Tuesday, May 3, 2011


I is for the imagination I no longer have
N is for the noose I want to put around my neck to pass out for a while
S is for the sleep that never seems to want me any more
O is for the open eye lids that don't want to close
M is for the medications that need to knock me out
N is for the neck cramp that I get trying to get comfortable
I is for the insane Monkey Shine movie I am watching right now
A is for the the assumption that sleep will come soon

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Eyes of Darkness

Even as I sleep the eyes that are deep in my mind stay open wondering through places unknown and untraveled. The mind that is supposed to shut off and let me be at rest never shuts down fully.

The eyes see every thought that runs rampant and wild.
The eyes catch every fear that escapes from its locked away place.
The eyes that no one is supposed to know about.
The eyes that keep my thoughts all tangled and intertwined/

When one sleeps the mind shuts down and lets fantasies or dreams become a reality of what could be, what you want it to be, or things so foreign and so not understood that when you wake you never remember them. Because dreams are a way to fade into a place of the unknown.

The eyes the that are always on alert.
The eyes that consume the every waken moment of the not so peaceful.
The eyes the catch the hidden messages that convey every emotion.
The eyes that won't allow me to see past the truth.

The eyes of darkness keep me awake, thump..thump...thump. Those very eyes hold the key to every weakness that I have. They unlock the hided passages ways to thoughts that need to be locked away for my sanity.

The eyes that never sleep but should.
The eyes that never blink but need too.
The eyes that never cry but want too.
The eyes that never feel but have too.

The darkness that consumes me at night isn't dreams of fantasies, but the darkness that sees all, knows all, finds all, and wants to make me remember. I don't want to remember, I want to forget. I want to close my eyes and sleep.

Those eyes that plague me are...
Those eyes that understand me are...
Those eyes that hear my cries are...
Those eyes that remind me are...

Those very eyes are darkness are not fears for other but myself. They have a name that I want to forget. They have a meaning that I want to run from. Those eyes of darkness are what I now know as my only form of addiction.

I am addicted to the eyes of darkness.
I am addicted to my anxiety.

The Eyes of Darkness

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

The Hiring and Firing of Unemployment

I decided to resign from my job a month ago and my last day was particularly a week ago. Here in this moment in time are the thoughts that continually run through my mind as I sit in the same spot that I have been sitting in for the last couple of days. I have always been the type of person that has needed to do something anything and for the past 5 years as a working class stiff I did. I got up every morning at 5:30 and at work by 6am.

But as I sit here now I realize that being a working class stiff has left me spoiled, I was spoiled to the fact that I had something to do from the moment I got up until the moment I came home. I was spoiled to never really having to make too many big decisions of what I was going to do for the day because the work was all ready decided for me, and it made my day go faster or slower depending on the amount of work I had to do. I was spoiled to the fact that as I went to work a lot of individuals stayed home searching through the piles and piles of hiring adds to find the perfect job for themselves. When the reality is no matter how many resumes you send out, how many jobs you apply for, somehow some way you are either too qualified for the job or under qualified for the job.

They tell you the best way to succeed in life is to have a degree behind your name, but what exactly does the degree say, that you decided to stay and school with a goal in mind and once that goal has been accomplished, you will find the job of your dreams. Well people I hate to be the one to crush your dreams but somehow some way, someone has lied to us. They made it seem like if you got the degree and you went after job that you would have a higher or even better chance of getting it. Lie number 1. That Degree is nothing more then a piece a paper to make you feel better about yourself. Lie number 2 is the fact that you put your resume up on Career builders, Monster.com, or any other website because you have skewered through the piles and piles of job offers and found the job that in your mind you are qualified for.

Ha jokes on you because what happens is you get all these so called “job offers” that are nothing more them spam messages sent to your email with the words, “We have reviewed your resume and we think you are qualified for the following positions.” And after you do further review you come to two very important conclusions, the first being you never applied for that job in that field that you are now being considered for. And two you have just gotten the raw end of the deal because all those job hunting websites are doing is clogging up your email with unwarranted and unwanted job offers that have nothing to do with what you applied for or are looking for in the first place.

So as I it here in the same space that I sat in the day before and the day before that, I begin to realize that being unemployed is a full time job in itself, it’s the job that no one seems to want, but so many seem to be in. It is the one job where you have no control over the day-to-day activities of your life. You get up in the morning and the thoughts that ring through your head are which job am I going to apply for, what big decision must I make in regards to the rest of my life, when will this feeling of having no control over anything fade. How is it I did what “they” told me to do and I still sit here with the biggest decision of my day being what I am going to have for lunch?

The problem with being unemployed is not so much of the being unemployed but the fact that every decision you make doesn’t get you paid. You make so many decisions in one day that you could probably be the CEO of a fortune 500 companies with all the decisions one has to make. You sit and you wonder about all the things you could be doing, or would like to be doing and by the end of the day, you try o hard not to close your eyes because the next day will be like today and the day before. The only difference is you will fill out 500 more job applications, co through a temp. agency, or even apply for a job you are way over qualified for just so that you can spend just a few hours out of the house away from the millions of thoughts roaming through your head. And its not so much the reject that begins to play mind games on you but the mind games you play with yourself.

You begin to ponder if you made the right choices in your life, or if you made the right decision to quit a perfectly good job because you were no longer happier and it wasn’t fulfilling enough for you. But even though money can’t buy you happiness, apparently it can buy you your sanity back. It can give you the stability that you once had in yourself and those around you. But then again if you aren’t happy at your job, productivity decreases and you end up getting fired in the long run. But the upside to be “let go” “terminated” is that you can go on unemployment until you find another job. Well lucky you because your lazy butt didn’t want to do the job you were hired for you get “let go” and you get the privilege of someone else fitting the bill for you. But hard working individual like myself has to weed through the crappy job offers, pimp themselves out like some cheap piece of meat to get a job.

The problem that I find myself in at the moment is everyone seems to be hiring but no one wants to hire. Its like are you kidding me, you have jobs on the internet that have been listed for months and they still haven’t hired anyone, the question isn’t are you not qualified enough, the question is what do I have to do for you to hire me for the job? What qualities are you looking for that will give me the chance I need to show you that I can not only do the job, but I can do the job the way the job needs to be done to get you as a company the best results. How do I make you hire me without me having to sell my self and my soul to the highest bidder? I want the job but I have enough integrity to know when to stop pushing you into hiring me. But thanks anyway for the opportunity because instead of you rejecting me, I will reject you. I as an unemployed individual have the same hiring and firing powers that you have. So take that!!!

So to all those that are unemployed that want to hire and fire those that don’t want to hire them for one reason or another, I say more power to you. You do what you have to do and hopefully at the end of the day you can say I might not have a job, or the self esteem that I once had, but I still have the power of hiring and firing those that aren’t willing to jut give me a chance. Because basically peeps that is all it truly takes, a chance and the rest is in your hands.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Mr. Darkness

Mr. Darkness

There is a darkness inside of me
He comes to visit when I am not so free
He holds on tight and never lets go
And makes me believe things I do not know

Mr. Darkness

His eye are red and a blaze of fire
He holds me down and makes me a crier
He lays in wait for a specific date
And answers the questions to my only fate

Mr. Darkness

Has this desire to set me ablaze
And I wonder through the darkened maze
I feel so blue and out of sight
And deep down within me I let out a fright

Mr. Darkness

He consumes me with misplaced rage
And all I want is to be free of this cage
If I were to be honest with a confession
His name is Mr. Darkness better known as my Depression

Mr. Darkness

Sunday, October 17, 2010

To Wear Depends or Not to Wear Depends????

To Wear Depends or Not to Wear Depends, That is the new age question???

When you are born they put a diaper on your ass and a cap on your head and tell you, that you are ready for the world. So for the first two years your parents have to wipe and change your dirty diapers/nappies, whether they be cloth or store bought. By the time age two comes around your parents have become sick and tired of wiping your ass so they stick you on a potty and tell you the porcelian pot is your new way to pee and poo and you are supposed to wipe your own ass. So my question is why go through the trouble of that when as soon as you hit a certain age you ass ends up back in a diaper.

From being swaddled as a child to being a senior citizen and working on depends. There again we become full circle. How we once began is how we will end, so yet again I ask what was the point to potty training?? I guess it all has to do with ones lazy ass parents not wanting to be responsible for wiping your ass for the rest of their days. But I think once you get married in your vows should be:

For richer, or poorer
Through sickness, and in health
Two wipe your ass, as you will wipe my ass for the rest of our days

So in essence the parents will be handing over the baby wipe/toilet wipe along with giving you their daughters had in marriage. So not only will you be wiping each other asses, but if and when you have children you will have to wipe their asses up until the point that you get them married off or until the age of 18 when they get the hell out of your house.

Interesting how everything in life comes full circle and are left like myself pondering the why do we even need to learn things if and when we get older we end up right back where we started which is being swaddled not by a diaper but by a depends because we can't be held responsible for when and if we pee.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Hhaha Jokes on You...

I am feeling a little depressed right now so if this is going to get you do too, please don't read any further since I can't be held accountable for my words at the moment.

Ha..ha..Jokes on you,

When you are a young child all you every hear is "Imagine what you would like to be when you grow up" I guess they want to believe that they are giving us hope for our further.

Ha...Ha..Jokes on you,

Since once you become an adult those dreams that you once had for yourself are now longer a dream, it is a different kind of reality, on those damn people that told you to imagine, and dream, never truly explained to you. They forgot to mention that life has a twisted way of making you the running punchline.

Ha...ha..Jokes on you,

You dream about becoming something that will help the world, you study for it, you get that education and you think this is going to get your foot in the door a lot quicker then if you didn't have that education, well that is not the truth. The truth is life doesn't always turn out the way you dreamt it to be.

Ha...ha..Jokes on you,

Life wants to make a joke out of you, so you have to continue laughing. Your insides may feel like crying, you may feel like giving up, you may even not see the light at the end of that very dark tunnel. But I guess that is the real joke. The unknown and how you face it.

Ha...Ha..Jokes on you,

Not this time around Ha...Ha....Ha...Jokes on them because I am stronger for having my dreams, I am wiser for getting that education and best of all I am love for staying in a world that liked to play practical jokes on you every day just to make sure you know that it is no joke to be alive.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Death Of Music!!!

So listening to the radio tends to get me into a lot of trouble because it get the wheels turning in my head and all that is left is the skid marks of my high powered v6 going 110 miles per hour. I want to dedicate this blog posting to all you Music lovers and say that I am the type of music lover that listens to all times of music I am not just set on one style. So what I am about to say might sound harsh but it isn't meant to be, this is solely my opinion on certain things and I am taking the time to blog about it.

To the death of Music, Creativity without the Create

has come at the cost of the eardrums of many, to the creative out look on life is a grim and misguided replica of what it once was. The beat that was once hit by many is so out of whack that whack has become a word found in the dictionary of life.

To the death of Music, No more boy bands

Boy bands have become his signature pile of what ever young teenager from the ages of 13 to 19 aspire to be, why???Who knows all I know is I am tired of listening to the boy bands that can't really sign but think they can with the advancements in technology that make them sound like be-boppin nails on a chalk board rather than regular john doe nails on a chalk board.

To the death of Music, No more Tweens Celebrities Making it big

If you have to ask yourself what the hell a Tween is, then you my friend have discovered the meaning of life. You have discovered that these "Tween Sensation" come out likes wolves in a pack they don't stay too long but they leaving a lasting impression, you know like lice, that has you scratching your head for dear life, and asking yourself why me? Tweens have taking over the airwaves and have left you boppin your head not because you like the music but because you are trying to knock that damn song out of your head since the radio stations have taken it upon themselves to broadcast it until the song is stuck up in your head and you are prayin for a rap song with bitches and hoes so you can be discussed with Music all over again.

To the death of Music, No more Performers

Now don't get me wrong there are a lot of performers out there that are great an all but there comes a time in every ones lives when performers get old and sagginess just doesn't cut it, they need something else to fall back on. You all know who the performers are they all populate and two places and think that there performances make them real singers, that is right peeps, those that have started out as a tad pole and an egg and were spawned from the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon. The sprout up like weeds and think because the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon made them believe that they were singers actually made them singer. Sorry boys and girls it only makes you performers and then you get picked up by the Tween scene, and then you evaporate into thin air and become apart of the "One Hit Wonder" crew.

To the death of Music, I want my Music back

I want those singers that could belt out a tune without technology enhancing their voices, I want my singers back that didn't really dance but if they had to they got their "sway" on, I want my singers that didn't need to use flashy shyt in the back ground to draw attention to themselves, they used their vows and their souls to convey their hearts desires. Can I get that back or am I stuck in a music-less world, where the beats around me are mechanically engineered through the technological soundwaves of what once was called Music.

Just give me Real Music, is all I ask!!!!