Insomnia

I is for the imagination I no longer have
N is for the noose I want to put around my neck to pass out for a while
S is for the sleep that never seems to want me any more
O is for the open eye lids that don't want to close
M is for the medications that need to knock me out
N is for the neck cramp that I get trying to get comfortable
I is for the insane Monkey Shine movie I am watching right now
A is for the the assumption that sleep will come soon

The Eyes of Darkness

Even as I sleep the eyes that are deep in my mind stay open wondering through places unknown and untraveled. The mind that is supposed to shut off and let me be at rest never shuts down fully.

The eyes see every thought that runs rampant and wild.
The eyes catch every fear that escapes from its locked away place.
The eyes that no one is supposed to know about.
The eyes that keep my thoughts all tangled and intertwined/

When one sleeps the mind shuts down and lets fantasies or dreams become a reality of what could be, what you want it to be, or things so foreign and so not understood that when you wake you never remember them. Because dreams are a way to fade into a place of the unknown.

The eyes the that are always on alert.
The eyes that consume the every waken moment of the not so peaceful.
The eyes the catch the hidden messages that convey every emotion.
The eyes that won't allow me to see past the truth.

The eyes of darkness keep me awake, thump..thump...thump. Those very eyes hold the key to every weakness that I have. They unlock the hided passages ways to thoughts that need to be locked away for my sanity.

The eyes that never sleep but should.
The eyes that never blink but need too.
The eyes that never cry but want too.
The eyes that never feel but have too.

The darkness that consumes me at night isn't dreams of fantasies, but the darkness that sees all, knows all, finds all, and wants to make me remember. I don't want to remember, I want to forget. I want to close my eyes and sleep.

Those eyes that plague me are...
Those eyes that understand me are...
Those eyes that hear my cries are...
Those eyes that remind me are...

Those very eyes are darkness are not fears for other but myself. They have a name that I want to forget. They have a meaning that I want to run from. Those eyes of darkness are what I now know as my only form of addiction.

I am addicted to the eyes of darkness.
I am addicted to my anxiety.

The Eyes of Darkness

The Hiring and Firing of Unemployment

I decided to resign from my job a month ago and my last day was particularly a week ago. Here in this moment in time are the thoughts that continually run through my mind as I sit in the same spot that I have been sitting in for the last couple of days. I have always been the type of person that has needed to do something anything and for the past 5 years as a working class stiff I did. I got up every morning at 5:30 and at work by 6am.

But as I sit here now I realize that being a working class stiff has left me spoiled, I was spoiled to the fact that I had something to do from the moment I got up until the moment I came home. I was spoiled to never really having to make too many big decisions of what I was going to do for the day because the work was all ready decided for me, and it made my day go faster or slower depending on the amount of work I had to do. I was spoiled to the fact that as I went to work a lot of individuals stayed home searching through the piles and piles of hiring adds to find the perfect job for themselves. When the reality is no matter how many resumes you send out, how many jobs you apply for, somehow some way you are either too qualified for the job or under qualified for the job.

They tell you the best way to succeed in life is to have a degree behind your name, but what exactly does the degree say, that you decided to stay and school with a goal in mind and once that goal has been accomplished, you will find the job of your dreams. Well people I hate to be the one to crush your dreams but somehow some way, someone has lied to us. They made it seem like if you got the degree and you went after job that you would have a higher or even better chance of getting it. Lie number 1. That Degree is nothing more then a piece a paper to make you feel better about yourself. Lie number 2 is the fact that you put your resume up on Career builders, Monster.com, or any other website because you have skewered through the piles and piles of job offers and found the job that in your mind you are qualified for.

Ha jokes on you because what happens is you get all these so called “job offers” that are nothing more them spam messages sent to your email with the words, “We have reviewed your resume and we think you are qualified for the following positions.” And after you do further review you come to two very important conclusions, the first being you never applied for that job in that field that you are now being considered for. And two you have just gotten the raw end of the deal because all those job hunting websites are doing is clogging up your email with unwarranted and unwanted job offers that have nothing to do with what you applied for or are looking for in the first place.

So as I it here in the same space that I sat in the day before and the day before that, I begin to realize that being unemployed is a full time job in itself, it’s the job that no one seems to want, but so many seem to be in. It is the one job where you have no control over the day-to-day activities of your life. You get up in the morning and the thoughts that ring through your head are which job am I going to apply for, what big decision must I make in regards to the rest of my life, when will this feeling of having no control over anything fade. How is it I did what “they” told me to do and I still sit here with the biggest decision of my day being what I am going to have for lunch?

The problem with being unemployed is not so much of the being unemployed but the fact that every decision you make doesn’t get you paid. You make so many decisions in one day that you could probably be the CEO of a fortune 500 companies with all the decisions one has to make. You sit and you wonder about all the things you could be doing, or would like to be doing and by the end of the day, you try o hard not to close your eyes because the next day will be like today and the day before. The only difference is you will fill out 500 more job applications, co through a temp. agency, or even apply for a job you are way over qualified for just so that you can spend just a few hours out of the house away from the millions of thoughts roaming through your head. And its not so much the reject that begins to play mind games on you but the mind games you play with yourself.

You begin to ponder if you made the right choices in your life, or if you made the right decision to quit a perfectly good job because you were no longer happier and it wasn’t fulfilling enough for you. But even though money can’t buy you happiness, apparently it can buy you your sanity back. It can give you the stability that you once had in yourself and those around you. But then again if you aren’t happy at your job, productivity decreases and you end up getting fired in the long run. But the upside to be “let go” “terminated” is that you can go on unemployment until you find another job. Well lucky you because your lazy butt didn’t want to do the job you were hired for you get “let go” and you get the privilege of someone else fitting the bill for you. But hard working individual like myself has to weed through the crappy job offers, pimp themselves out like some cheap piece of meat to get a job.

The problem that I find myself in at the moment is everyone seems to be hiring but no one wants to hire. Its like are you kidding me, you have jobs on the internet that have been listed for months and they still haven’t hired anyone, the question isn’t are you not qualified enough, the question is what do I have to do for you to hire me for the job? What qualities are you looking for that will give me the chance I need to show you that I can not only do the job, but I can do the job the way the job needs to be done to get you as a company the best results. How do I make you hire me without me having to sell my self and my soul to the highest bidder? I want the job but I have enough integrity to know when to stop pushing you into hiring me. But thanks anyway for the opportunity because instead of you rejecting me, I will reject you. I as an unemployed individual have the same hiring and firing powers that you have. So take that!!!

So to all those that are unemployed that want to hire and fire those that don’t want to hire them for one reason or another, I say more power to you. You do what you have to do and hopefully at the end of the day you can say I might not have a job, or the self esteem that I once had, but I still have the power of hiring and firing those that aren’t willing to jut give me a chance. Because basically peeps that is all it truly takes, a chance and the rest is in your hands.

Mr. Darkness

Mr. Darkness

There is a darkness inside of me
He comes to visit when I am not so free
He holds on tight and never lets go
And makes me believe things I do not know

Mr. Darkness

His eye are red and a blaze of fire
He holds me down and makes me a crier
He lays in wait for a specific date
And answers the questions to my only fate

Mr. Darkness

Has this desire to set me ablaze
And I wonder through the darkened maze
I feel so blue and out of sight
And deep down within me I let out a fright

Mr. Darkness

He consumes me with misplaced rage
And all I want is to be free of this cage
If I were to be honest with a confession
His name is Mr. Darkness better known as my Depression

Mr. Darkness

To Wear Depends or Not to Wear Depends????

To Wear Depends or Not to Wear Depends, That is the new age question???

When you are born they put a diaper on your ass and a cap on your head and tell you, that you are ready for the world. So for the first two years your parents have to wipe and change your dirty diapers/nappies, whether they be cloth or store bought. By the time age two comes around your parents have become sick and tired of wiping your ass so they stick you on a potty and tell you the porcelian pot is your new way to pee and poo and you are supposed to wipe your own ass. So my question is why go through the trouble of that when as soon as you hit a certain age you ass ends up back in a diaper.

From being swaddled as a child to being a senior citizen and working on depends. There again we become full circle. How we once began is how we will end, so yet again I ask what was the point to potty training?? I guess it all has to do with ones lazy ass parents not wanting to be responsible for wiping your ass for the rest of their days. But I think once you get married in your vows should be:

For richer, or poorer
Through sickness, and in health
Two wipe your ass, as you will wipe my ass for the rest of our days

So in essence the parents will be handing over the baby wipe/toilet wipe along with giving you their daughters had in marriage. So not only will you be wiping each other asses, but if and when you have children you will have to wipe their asses up until the point that you get them married off or until the age of 18 when they get the hell out of your house.

Interesting how everything in life comes full circle and are left like myself pondering the why do we even need to learn things if and when we get older we end up right back where we started which is being swaddled not by a diaper but by a depends because we can't be held responsible for when and if we pee.

Hhaha Jokes on You...

I am feeling a little depressed right now so if this is going to get you do too, please don't read any further since I can't be held accountable for my words at the moment.

Ha..ha..Jokes on you,

When you are a young child all you every hear is "Imagine what you would like to be when you grow up" I guess they want to believe that they are giving us hope for our further.

Ha...Ha..Jokes on you,

Since once you become an adult those dreams that you once had for yourself are now longer a dream, it is a different kind of reality, on those damn people that told you to imagine, and dream, never truly explained to you. They forgot to mention that life has a twisted way of making you the running punchline.

Ha...ha..Jokes on you,

You dream about becoming something that will help the world, you study for it, you get that education and you think this is going to get your foot in the door a lot quicker then if you didn't have that education, well that is not the truth. The truth is life doesn't always turn out the way you dreamt it to be.

Ha...ha..Jokes on you,

Life wants to make a joke out of you, so you have to continue laughing. Your insides may feel like crying, you may feel like giving up, you may even not see the light at the end of that very dark tunnel. But I guess that is the real joke. The unknown and how you face it.

Ha...Ha..Jokes on you,

Not this time around Ha...Ha....Ha...Jokes on them because I am stronger for having my dreams, I am wiser for getting that education and best of all I am love for staying in a world that liked to play practical jokes on you every day just to make sure you know that it is no joke to be alive.

The Death Of Music!!!

So listening to the radio tends to get me into a lot of trouble because it get the wheels turning in my head and all that is left is the skid marks of my high powered v6 going 110 miles per hour. I want to dedicate this blog posting to all you Music lovers and say that I am the type of music lover that listens to all times of music I am not just set on one style. So what I am about to say might sound harsh but it isn't meant to be, this is solely my opinion on certain things and I am taking the time to blog about it.

To the death of Music, Creativity without the Create

has come at the cost of the eardrums of many, to the creative out look on life is a grim and misguided replica of what it once was. The beat that was once hit by many is so out of whack that whack has become a word found in the dictionary of life.

To the death of Music, No more boy bands

Boy bands have become his signature pile of what ever young teenager from the ages of 13 to 19 aspire to be, why???Who knows all I know is I am tired of listening to the boy bands that can't really sign but think they can with the advancements in technology that make them sound like be-boppin nails on a chalk board rather than regular john doe nails on a chalk board.

To the death of Music, No more Tweens Celebrities Making it big

If you have to ask yourself what the hell a Tween is, then you my friend have discovered the meaning of life. You have discovered that these "Tween Sensation" come out likes wolves in a pack they don't stay too long but they leaving a lasting impression, you know like lice, that has you scratching your head for dear life, and asking yourself why me? Tweens have taking over the airwaves and have left you boppin your head not because you like the music but because you are trying to knock that damn song out of your head since the radio stations have taken it upon themselves to broadcast it until the song is stuck up in your head and you are prayin for a rap song with bitches and hoes so you can be discussed with Music all over again.

To the death of Music, No more Performers

Now don't get me wrong there are a lot of performers out there that are great an all but there comes a time in every ones lives when performers get old and sagginess just doesn't cut it, they need something else to fall back on. You all know who the performers are they all populate and two places and think that there performances make them real singers, that is right peeps, those that have started out as a tad pole and an egg and were spawned from the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon. The sprout up like weeds and think because the Disney Channel or Nickelodeon made them believe that they were singers actually made them singer. Sorry boys and girls it only makes you performers and then you get picked up by the Tween scene, and then you evaporate into thin air and become apart of the "One Hit Wonder" crew.

To the death of Music, I want my Music back

I want those singers that could belt out a tune without technology enhancing their voices, I want my singers back that didn't really dance but if they had to they got their "sway" on, I want my singers that didn't need to use flashy shyt in the back ground to draw attention to themselves, they used their vows and their souls to convey their hearts desires. Can I get that back or am I stuck in a music-less world, where the beats around me are mechanically engineered through the technological soundwaves of what once was called Music.

Just give me Real Music, is all I ask!!!!

Two Year Olds Inner Thoughts!!!!

Two year old's have the personality of a grown - up the capacity to learn at the rate of speed, but their energy levels are like pushing crack through your veins. They don't seem to understand that as we adults get older our energy levels aren't what they used to be. So when I say that crack kills I am seriously talking about the amount of energy one most have to keep up with and out smart a two year old. I swear someone needs to figure out the formula that it takes to bottle that crack up and sell it. I feel like I have aged like 40 years within the couple hours that I have hung out with my niece.

My two year old niece is very addictive but then there are moments where you want to give yourself a grown-up time out because you don't have the energy level nor the brain capacity to keep up with them anymore. They are a very interesting at that age because they are learning to say a lot more things but they still have that "Baby Talk" where they say something to you and you just look at them with this confused look on your face because if you say the wrong thing and don't know what the hell you are talking about you can get yourself into some serious trouble. I think since they are still at that age of knowing more then some give them credit for and then some that they minds have developed this secret language called "Adult Manipulation." They babble in that speak where you have no clue as to what they are talking about because they know you have no clue.

The inner workings of a two year old mind is very developed and very structured to certain things. As they get older is when they begin to loose that need to manipulate and begin to learn to understand when to cross the line of manipulation to given into their parents and their wishes. Being around a two year old is very interesting they have this way of just simplifying the hardest things and making the simplest things the hardest things. To be two again, would you go back????

The Faceless Beast

Anxiety is like a faceless stranger, it knocks on your door and becomes this unwanted guest that no matter how hard you try never seems to leave. He is this wondering shadow that attaches himself to your soul and grips you so tightly that you want to scream but you can't because you are being strangled from the inside out. You try to understand him, you try to manipulate him into believing that you have everything under control but he seems to know the truth. He hides within the core of your inner being and jumps out just because he can. The reason that so many suffer from anxiety isn't because they are weak, but because the faceless beast always seems to come to you in a surprise type of way. He is the gift that keeps on giving and no matter how many times you try to give that damn gift back his presence is still very much apart of you.

How can you survive when your inner core screams out for help, how do you go on when you are slowly being taken over by the faceless beast that holds more power to your survival then you thought possible? He has become that shadow in the distance that you try to avoid by putting on sun glasses, he is that noise in the back of your mind that you try to block out with loud music, he is the screams that keep you up at night that you try to fight off by pretending to sleep, for when you wake in the morning everything seems normal as can be, but he knows the truth. He knows that you are struggling to hold onto the sanity he allows you to have. He knows that you are not strong enough to fight him without the medicines of the world. He knows that one slip one day of feeling better is the advantage he needs to consume you all over again.

How can you be cured when there is no cure? The cure is you becoming stronger from the inside so that it can shine through to the out side. You become this ray of hope even though the depression of not being pulled under is so thick that you are in a fog and the high beams dont seem to work, and there are way too many obstacles in your way. You shout, you stomp your feet, and you cry. And that may elevate some of that strangle hold that the faceless beast has on you but he continues his fight for your life. And you continue to fight for your life and the ending...

Well ending is something I dont know since I am still struggle to stay afloat from my anxiety that has a hold on me, the faceless beast is a struggle that isnt just my demon to fight, the shadowy figure that disappears into the night air isnt just my faceless creature, but so many other face him too. Their ending is not the same as mine nor is their beginning but the struggle of this faceless demon, the beast that has a name of Anxiety, the creature that creeps up on you at any given moment is just like mine. We are a society of members in waiting. Waiting for that moment to be taken under, or that moment of clarity but either way, the faceless beast has a hold on me.

The Beast Within the Wedding

Has anyone ever wondered why the beast in us all seem to come out during weddings. We're like feisty little animals preparing for this special day like we are the ones that are going to be walking down the aisle. Let me just point out a few very important thinks when it comes to weddings. First, even though you aren't the ones getting married you feel just like the bride with regards to picking out your outfit, the shoes, and the accessories to go with it. It's like if you aren't perfect, the wedding wont be perfect. And I have to tell you no one will really care what you are wearing because you aren't the bride. But, maybe subconsciously you want to be. Second, finding the right gift also seems to become a pain in the ass. Why? you might ask, simple because the married couple to be seems to go on a lunatic shopping spree where they pick random stuff that they might and even might not need to see what their friends, family, and other people that they have invited to the wedding will get them. Now I love to shop for other people, and I am not cheap but I think stores and the married couple to be have lost their damn minds when you start charging $50 for 1 single plate, now that plate better be made of gold, be able to wash it self, and better not fade with each and every wash for me to spend $50 bucks for it. Third, getting ready to GO to a wedding is the most stressful seeing as though you seem to think that you have all this time in the world and bam the wedding is like 2 weeks away. Why do we as wedding goers seem to think we are getting married?? Simple because like the bride we want them to have a beautiful day something they will always remember. A wedding is like going to your senior prom, you get all dolled up, you have the dress, the make-up, the shoes, your hair is done, you have picked the prefect date. And bam the prom comes and the prom goes and as we know the prom dress is still in the back of our closet. Unlike brides maids, we can wear our outfits again but still our closets become the cave of the beast within us all. So many the question in us all should be why the hell do we unleash this beast for other people's weddings when in reality we are just guest???

Happy New Year

With the past year about to leave us and the upcoming year about to be infront of us, a thought came to mind when it comes to the new year versus the past year. As we look forward to 2010 do we not look to our past for what we went through, how we faced it, the mistakes we made, the regrets we might regret, or do we forget about the past and just move forward toward the future?? Is the new year about starting anew and wiping the slate clean, or is it about us learning from our past and continuing the journey ahead of us??? I have always wondered why the celebration of the new year is so important to us. It's not like we are reborn again every time we say goodbye to a past year and hello to the present/future year. Or is it like the movie "Ground Hogs Day" where we are meant to repeat the same mistakes over and over again until we learn that we cant forget nor ignore the past, nor can we have hopes and dreams for the future if we aren't willing to take the whole picture into account when the new year begins then we are doomed to make the same mistakes. In celebrating the New Year promise yourself one thing not to regret what you did or didn't do but to learn and grow from those experiences.

Happy New Year all, enjoy the life you have been given, be thankful for the people that you love and that love you, and always remember there is still time to make a change and make a difference you just have to be willing to do so.

The Birthday Surprise...

There are things that will arise
something like a wonderful surprise
there are things I love to say
have a wonderful and overwhelming birthday

You three were meant to meet
Separately you were in complete
Three intriguing ladies to bare
With so much beauty and lots of flare

The weekend went by so quick
And I know how much you love some Phick
This weekend we had so much fun
Next time it will be under the sun

I love you ladies so much more
Soon we will be heading to the door
We wont be able to stay away
So Mara, Megan, Suzzanne, have a great birthday

Annoyances

Why do the little things bug you so much
why to the silent things fall with your touch
Why do the big things piss you off
why do the funny things make you cough

Annoyances

Why does the sun shine so bright
Why does that ring sparkle in any given light
why does the grass look so green
Why does that man show up in every scene

Annoyances

Why does the earth spin so slow
Why does that girl seem to know
Why does me eyes want to cry
Why does that chicken need to fry

Annoyances

Why can't they see they are bugging me
Why does that boy not see my knee
Why cant I do my own thing
Why does that man not buy me my ring

Annoyances

I must admit this is silly and sad
I must admit I feel so bad
I must admit those people do annoy
I must admit I have found my joy

Annoyances

Birth -VS- Death

I was listening to the radio today and the song that was playing was talking about "how u should live like it's your last day before you die." And I got to thinking if it was my last day to live would I want to live like it's my last or like it was my very first. I mean I guess the song is saying you should live like you aren't dying even though you know you are dying. And for me most people that know they are dying tend to get their things in order before they die. They dont see the point in having the what if's hanging over their heads. Well, I wanted to truly get your opinion on this because do you live every day like it is your last - meaning you do the things that you never thought you would get a chance to do, and go for it by discovering all of that stuff that you would have time for. Or do you take a chance and look behind door number 2 and live life like it is your very first meaning instead of doing the things you thought you had time to do, by doing them. You live life through fresh eyes. You look at your like through fresh eyes and you explore it, like it is the very first time you have seen these things. Because regret is never a big part of those that are dying it usually ends up being about those left at what they regret not doing with you while you were alive. So here is something else for you to think about, how can you help those around you deal with the regret that is life when you are gone, when you are living like it is your very last day????

Why Do we Need the T's of the World....

Why do we need the T's of the world??? Well, for some that might be the most difficult question to answer, but for me it is the most simplest. We need the T's of the world to help us reach our true potential, we need them to inspire us to be more then just our limitations, we need them to show us another path when we least expect it. Because without them we might be pondering what should I do next without a clue as to how to achieve it. The T's of the world are truly special people sent to some of us, to hold our hands through the transition of life. When they think we are ready they let us go but they are never to far behind to catch us. I call them special guardians because the T's of the world seem to know just what you need without having to say it, and the best part about them is they are with you for life. And for some one like me, I feel very honored and priveleged to have them in my life. So I just want to take this time to Thank the "T's" of the world because without them I might have lost my inspiration and would have been looking in the wrong spot to find it.

Bell Bells

I ponder as I rub my eye
How come I could not fly
I ask my self on a give day
How can I stay far away

I look into that little face
And see the brightness of my grace
I look at her beautiful smile
And wish I could stay awhile

I feel her little hands on my skin
And see the love she has within
I kiss her softly on the cheek
And laugh and play hide and seek

We sing, we dance, we count the sheep
We laugh, we cry, we fall asleep
She looks at me and proposes
Lets go smell the roses

We look at pictures as we go
And she knows I can't tell her no no
We go to the beach and see the shells
I kiss, I hug, my Bell Bells

Silent Voice

I didn't hear that big ole yelp
When you didn't hound me for my help
I didn't witnessed all your fears
When I saw the sorrow and the tears

I didn't see your sign that May
When I drove by to end the day
Summer, Fall, Winter, Spring
What will tomorrow bring

How can this world be so blind
When all I see makes me loose my mind
How do I go on with this choice
When you seem to have no fighting voice

How do you deal with all this pain
Through the thunder and the rain
How do you pick yourself up
When all you have is that paper cup

Is it worth this turmoil and the sorrow
To get up and back on the street tomorrow
There is nothing more I can say
But I promise to donate my time everyday

Where Did the Soul Go...

Where Did the Soul Go

He was laying next to me last night
He was talking to me in the morning
He was on the phone with me this afternoon
He was at dinner with me tonight

Where Did the Soul Go

He left me wondering if I would ever see him again
He left me wondering if I left him at home
He left me wondering if I needed to go get him
He left me wondering if I would ever love again

Where Did the Soul Go

Was he in the phone that just started to ring
Was he in the TV I watched last night
Was he in the CD that I heard this morning
Was he in the picture sitting on my desk


Where Did the Soul Go

He must be in the bathroom with the door closed
He must be in the car on his way home
He must be in the grave yard with the headstone
He must be waiting on me to find him

Where Did the Soul Go

He seems to be within the walls of our house
He seems to be within the the air that I breathe
He seems to be within the love that we once shared
He seems to be within the memories that I will never forget

Where Did the Soul Go

In a few words I can tell you where
In a few words I can hold him near
In a few words he never left me
In a few words in my heart he will always be

Where Did the Soul Go!!!

My Divas...

My Divas
Are the women I surround myself with
They inspire me to be more then myself
They teach me to grab onto the things I want
And let go of the things/people I don't need
They show me the compassion it takes to achieve a goal
They hold me up with their love and all their blessings

My Divas
Make me smile when the smile has faded
Make me laugh when the laughter has gone
Make me stronger when the days make me weak
Make me whole when half of me is to unstable to survive
Make me feel when the feelings have dissolved
Make me cry when the tears need to be shed

My Divas
Are a sisterhood that can never be broken
Are a bond that can never be touched
Are a dream that can never be forgotten
Are a home that can never be dismantled
Are a family that can never loose its way
Are a lighthouse that can always show us the way

My Divas
Are strong, beautiful, intelligent, inspiring women that can never
be separated nor be broken because the bond that bonds us is something
more powerful then these words themselves but the LOVE we have for each other.

To all My Divas if I never say the words that tell you how I feel,
If I never show you the emotions that show you I truly care
If I forget to acknowledge you in anyway possible then remember these
simple, meaningful, and powerful words here today.
You are my Divas, the light in you will always shine brightly through me.

Unwanted...

I am in this mood of late when it comes to certain things and I guess the thought for today right now at this particular moment is all about being blessed and counting my blessings. I am not the most easiest person to understand most of the time, and sometimes I have mood swings like no ones business and I guess that is because I get irritate about things and have the hardest time expressing it because I can't keep one idea in my head long of enough to express it. And the one major flaw that I seem to have is that I take those irritation out on others and not the people it is mostly directed out. It's not about a fear of hurting them or even a true need for them to know how I feel, but this true underlining need to of feeling unwanted. There are moments in time that the unwantedness consumes me and I have these explosive moments and its the hardest thing to explain to those that have never felt unwanted before.

I look around me all the time and I see these relationships between people and it amazes me how so many of us feel this big emptiness inside ourselves. It's like no matter how many friends you might have or how much family surrounds you, you can't get over this feeling of loneliness. You might be thinking to yourselves as you read this that I must be depressed or something, and I would have to tell you that, that is so far from the truth.

I have a group of wonderful ladies in my life that bring some much to my life that it would take more then one blog to tell you how truly blessed I feel to have them in my life. I am amazed that we could have met over the power of the world wide web and become so close so fast. It is truly a sisterhood of mixed personalities but at the same time, one untied personality and it really has nothing to do with our love for a soap or a soap couple. And in this group I look around and see how we still have this far away look in each and every one of our eyes. We all feel this overwhelming feeling of being unwanted. We don't have too talk about it to know it's there. It's the silence that connects us and helps us get through the fields of unwantedness. And as you read this you ask yourself how can a group of ladies the feel so unwanted at times that never speak about it now about it? It's simple it's because of the blessing of our bond that makes us each know what we are thinking when we are thinking it and why we never need to discuss it. It's hard to explain to others and most often our own families that no matter how much you surround us or love us, you can't control this feeling within us. It's nothing that they did or didn't do, and when I try to explain how sometimes I just want to be alone they think no you don't you need us around. When that isn't the truth, I need me around. And sometimes is something family members did that they don't even understand that they are doing. And when that happens the overwhelming need to feel wanted does kick in and it's not about how we feel but our need to make sure others never have to feel that way.

So if you are ever in a situation where you feel unwanted, never feel like you are standing alone, never feel like there is no place for you to turn too, because there is usually a group of great women in your life that feels the same way you do for so many different reasons. And always remember in that sea of silence between you and them your voices are being heard loud and clear.